w i n t e r
downed and down
I'm gonna vent. I have the right and by God I'm gonna use it.
First, play this...
If I'm considered unstable by these folks and this, then fuck it, I may as well start acting like it.
Ignore the fact that I'm...you know what, it's not even worth it. Fuck it all to hell. It's not even worth explaining anymore.
The only question now is should I report the doctor I know that falsifies records?
I said I wouldn't 'cause I'm not bitter. But I think that I am. I think that I'm real bitter. Beyond bitter. I'm really, really pissed. I played it right when I didn't have to and it doesn't matter.
Oh, people might respect me for it sure, but I never wanted to be a fucking martyr. I wanted to be a pilot.
Part of me blames the shortsighted FAA. Part of me says they're only doing their job. Part of me says I've no right to turn in doctors and pilots (I was almost one of them) and part of me says how can I let them continue to fly. And that is bitter, man, that's the lowest.
I never thought I'd want to go this low. Even as I write this I talk myself out of it. I back the tears up and grit my teeth. I can't.
I thought of how easy it would be to get a false medical and then use it as proof against the poor doctor. How easy it would be to hand him and every other pilot he's every checked out into the waiting hands of the same institution that keeps me grounded. How many careers and dreams could I, would I, ruin. Would it be enough to make me any less bitter? Would it help my 'cause? No. It would make me the worst of the worst.
A true catch-22. A bitter hypocrite on one side, or a bitter grounded pilot on the other.
That I could gain satisfaction from seeing others in my position. People shouldn't feel like this. Out of place, knowing the one thing I want most I'll never get. I can't take that away from someone. I can't even hope that they lose it some other way. *I* can't effect lives in that way. I feel spineless for saying it. I don't want anybody to have to ever feel like I do right now, no matter what they've done.
'Cause I've lost my dream.
And I feel like shit.
goodnight 2.16.99